


Varric's Beginner Guides to...

by awkward_ace



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Attempt at Humor, F/M, Gen, Humor, Letters, Multi, Other, Romance, Teasing, can you two please argue quieter, giving a friend a hard time
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-22
Updated: 2017-09-22
Packaged: 2019-01-03 22:28:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,259
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12156075
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/awkward_ace/pseuds/awkward_ace
Summary: Look, all Varric is trying to do is quietly, in his own way, tell the Inquisitor and the Commander that they need to not argue in public. And that maybe the Commander has a tendency to over think things and maybe be too serious. He's just trying to help, that's all!





	Varric's Beginner Guides to...

**** BRING ME WINE IN THE SKULL OF AN ENEMY

_Learning Lavellan: a Beginner’s Guide to Finding and Understanding the Herald of Andraste_

_By Varric Tethras_

_Section One_

_The Basics_

The basics are simple. The Herald is just as complicated as any other person without a few extra layers of bullshit in what she says or does. It might be helpful to keep a few of the important things in mind:

-The Herald is patient right up until she isn’t

-The Herald is big on second chances so it’s better that you don’t fuck it up

-It’s better to let her do things her way. If that isn’t an option, speak to the Ambassador or the Nightingale

-The Herald is funny and smart and likes to joke around

-She doesn’t want to hurt you right up until she does

-In the event she does, she’s the type of person who likes to drink her wine from the skull of an enemy

That’s it. Those are the basics. Now we get to move on to more nuanced things.

 

_Section Two_

_Understanding what she means through which mount she’s riding_

We’ll start with basics again. The Herald has four mounts that she admittedly dotes on and spoils and that probably has something to do with their bad attitudes.

Valiant the Hart. One of two that she uses most often. She’s going for majesty and a wow-factor when she takes this guy in public. He’s also the most people friendly, which isn’t saying much at all.

Loki the Horse. I’m not one for particular breeds, but Hell-Beast here is two out of two for most often used. She’s going more for a standard look when she takes this monster out, and she’s probably ready to dispense with playing nice and go right for frying people.

Vladmilla and/or Cyrus. These guys are nightmares. She’s done playing nice and is definitely ready to get some more wine cups made. Or she’s going somewhere sandy and desert-ish. At the current rate, the two seem to go together.

 

_Section Three_

_Finding the Herald when she’s disappeared_

If she’s anywhere remotely tree populated, you’re fucked. Just let it go.

If she’s at home base, start by looking up anywhere high and work your way down.

If a top-to-bottom search fails, check the tavern, Buttercup’s room. Make sure you look out the window on the roof.

Check all the roofs, actually. Let’s just add that to top-to-bottom search.

If she’s not in the tavern, check out the fortress Sparkler has set up in the library for himself.

If she can’t be found any of these places, look outside in the fields. She’s probably curled up with one of her animals somewhere. If that’s the case, check which animal, and proceed with the appropriate amount of caution.

\--Note: If she’s curled up with more than one of her animals, then ratchet that caution up ten-fold for each one present. If she’s in the middle of all four of them, treat it like she was in a forest, make like a tree and leaf.

When all else fails, ask Sparkler or the Kid to go get her. Sparkler is good at getting her attention from a distance and her animals won’t hurt the Kid.

 

_Section Four_

_Understanding what she means when she says something_

This is really easy.

Whatever she said, she meant. You can stop over-thinking it or wondering what the subtext was. If you need clarification, just ask for it.

 

Congratulations! You’ve made it through the class. You’re now proficient in speaking and understanding Heraldese and finding her when she’s disappeared somewhere. Go forth and use your new found knowledge for the betterment of Thedas or some crap like that.

*-*-*-*

_Curly,_

_Heard you and Stormy had a little argument the other day. Literally heard. The whole yard heard. Because you were on the battlements. Anyway, it seems like there’s some trouble communicating, so I thought you might appreciate a few little tips._

_Always happy to help. Best of luck, Curly._

_\--Varric_

*-*-*-*

_Varric,_

_This is not funny. It also seems rather offensive—I hope the Inquisitor finds it as amusing as you seem to._

_\--Cullen_

*-*-*-*

_Curly,_

_Are you kidding? I asked her to read it over before I had it bound and sent your way. She found it hysterical and asked me to write one on you. A copy should be on your desk in a few days, I’d appreciate some commentary._

_\--Varric_

*-*-*-*

_Varric,_

**_ No. _ **

_\--Cullen_

*-*-*-*

_Learning Curly: a Beginner’s Guide to Finding and Understanding the Commander of the Inquisition Army_

_Now Revised_

_By Varric Tethras_

_Section One_

_The Basics_

This is the only section there is. There were more, but new research came to light and required lengthy revisions of this guide. The revisions reduced the needed knowledge to the following:

-Curly has no sense of humor, seeing as he doesn’t find this author funny

-Curly is good at chess, not so much at Wicked Grace. Ask the Ambassador

-He’s in his office, the training yards, the war room, or the Herald’s room. The first two are the most likely places because he’s a work-a-holic who wouldn’t take a vacation if it bit him on the ass.

-He’s the type of person who makes his troops conduct team-building exercises in the field when they start squabbling too much

-Big fan of smashing at things with sharp things and big sticks, as most warriors

-Beware the glare

-Is taking this way too seriously

 

Congratulations! You’ve made it through the class. You’re now proficient in speaking and understanding Curly and finding him when he’s disappeared somewhere. Go forth and use your new found knowledge for the betterment of Thedas or some crap like that.

*-*-*-*

_Varric,_

_Have I told you lately that I love and adore you, and that life would be terribly dull without you around?_

_\--Stormy_

*-*-*-*

_Stormy,_

_I know. But I never get tired of hearing it, so by all means, keep it coming._

_\--Varric_

*-*-*-*

_Varric,_

_Did I not make ‘no’ clear enough? Do you know what that woman has done with this?_

_She has framed it, Varric. She has had this **unamusing** thing framed and it’s now hanging in my office, adhered to the wall in some way I’m not sure I want to know, but it is proving impossible to pull down._

_I’m holding you responsible for this._

_\--Cullen_

*-*-*-*

_Curly,_

_Sounds like something you should take up with her, which is good timing, because I recently wrote a little book on something about that._

_\--Varric_

*-*-*-*

_Master Tethras,_

_The Commander asked that I inform you that he’s had enough of ‘this foolishness’ and will no longer be taking part in it. He said you would understand what he meant._

_Additionally, the Inquisitor has had a phoenix feather fashioned into a quill and dipped in gold for you. It has been framed and awaits you in your quarters, along with the writing supplies you requested. She sends her thanks, again._

_\--Josephine_

_P.S. What is ‘this foolishness’?_

*-*-*-*

_Ruffles,_

_Thanks for getting those supplies. Take a swing by Curly’s office sometime and check out his wall. I hear he got a new decoration, recently. You might ask Stormy for the other half of it._

_\--Varric_

*-*-*-*

_Varric. Can you explain why the Ambassador seems to suddenly have a need to have playing cards at every meeting we attend? And why she’s taken to passing on inappropriate jokes she hears?_

_\--Cullen_

*-*-*-*

_Curly,_

_Not a clue! But I’ll get right on writing a guidebook for that, too. I’m always happy to help._

_\--Varric_

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> I get the strong impression that Varric and Cullen have the sort of relationship where Cullen finds Varric funny some of the time but won't admit it, reads all his books but won't admit it, and that Varric knows about these things anyway and continues to harangue him because it's good for him. I also feel strongly that Varric wouldn't be below taking shots at people through his writing.
> 
> I bet he's writing guidebooks on everybody.
> 
> And mainly I wanted an excuse to write mostly in book/letter format, because it's terrible fun.


End file.
